Finally

My Dearest Carson,

Tomorrow is the start of a new chapter for you and I. It's one that I have been waiting for since before you were born.....
Ever since I was little and I would think about my life in the future, I knew I wanted to be a wife and a mom. When I was ready to go to college and get a degree, I chose to get a degree in math education. There were two reasons for my choice. The first was because I loved math. The true reason was because it was a career that, if for some reason I had to work, would be the best schedule with my kids. That was before your daddy and I had even met. I was already thinking about you.
When we found out that you were finally going to come, I was ecstatic! I had waited for you for so long and we counted down the days to your arrival. I wanted to be your mommy so bad! The closer it got to you coming, the more your daddy and I realized something that was devastating to me. I wasn't going to get to do the one thing I wanted more than anything. I wasn't going to get to be home with you everyday. We thought about every option, ran through every possible senario, and had a lot of prayers asking Heavenly Father what we were supposed to do. In the end, the answer was always the same. "Not yet."
You were 12 weeks old on the day that I dropped you off for the first time. I cried the entire drive, sat in the parking lot and cried, and cried at my desk on more than one occasion. I was lucky enough to have you next door so I could still come and feed you and hold you as often as I wanted, but there was nothing that could make the ache in my heart go away. Every morning felt the same and the days seemed to drag on until I could pick you up again.
Your daddy and I had a plan. One that we felt very inspired about and one with a lot of trust involved. For almost 2 years now we have worked toward one goal.... me getting to be with you. I've put up with the stinging comments, the judgements, the "advice", and the hurtful words from people who think they knew our situation better than us. I've endured the criticism of my "lack of faith" and cried on more occasions then I can count. I've waited patiently and not so patiently for this day to come, and now it's finally here.
I love you so much, Carson. I can't wait to be the one to make you lunch every day and do crafts with you. I can't wait to take you to the park and the zoo. I look forward to singing songs with you and having you throw tantrums in the middle of the store, because there is no where else I'd rather be. I know its not going to be easy and there are days that will be hard, but I'm going to try to treasure every moment I have with you because I will remember what it was like that first morning I dropped you off. Be patient with me. I love you to the moon and back.

Love,
Mommy