Precious Miracles

When Jason and I were first married and decided that we were ready to start our family, I was excited. I don't know why I thought it would happen right away just because we wanted it to. We started trying......and months came and went. Every month was heartbreaking when we found out we weren't pregnant yet. It took us 10 months. I know that isn't a long time compared to other couples and we really are lucky, but to me it seemed like forever. I had one miscarriage during those 10 months, but it was just a few days in and I assumed that I had just calculated my dates wrong. My doctor later told me that it was probably a miscarriage. By that point I was pregnant - finally - with Carson so it wasn't as heartbreaking as it could have been.

My pregnancy with Carson was hard because I was so so so incredibly sick, but other than that there were no problems. When he was finally born we were thrilled. Beyond thrilled! He was perfect and precious and I was finally a mother. Life was great.

When Carson was about 9 months old we found out we were pregnant again. I was a little bit in shock because I thought for sure it would take a while. It took me about a week to get really excited and then I couldn't be happier. We had 2 doctors appointments for blood work and the normal early pregnancy stuff and everything looked great. When I was 11 weeks along we had our first ultrasound. During the ultrasound we learned that we had lost the baby, about 2 weeks earlier. For some reason my body hadn't recognized that I had lost the baby and was still acting like I was pregnant. I had morning sickness clear up until that morning! Dr. L told me that some women have that problem and they hoped that the ultrasound would be enough of a disturbance for my body to realize something was wrong and I would pass the baby without any medication or a D&C. My body passed the baby the next day.

The whole experience was devastating.  I don't know how else to describe a heartbreak like that. For a mother, when you find out you are expecting it instantly because real and it is your baby. I found out at 4 weeks, so by week 11 I had spent 7 weeks excited and planning for our next baby. I was heartbroken. It was even harder since I had a sweet little boy and I knew how much I loved my children! To be honest, I had a hard time understanding why it happened. I had to go in for weekly blood work appointments until my levels were back to normal, and then we had to wait 3 months after that to start trying again. I was also told that since I was far enough along I know had to declare "2 pregnancies, 1 live birth" for any medical records or doctor that asked. That was hard. Especially hearing someone say that out loud. I was 3 weeks behind my sister and 4 weeks behind my sister-in-law, which made the whole thing harder. I has happy for them, but sad for us. It felt like a constant reminder of what I had lost.

Once we were able to start trying again it only took us 2 months to get pregnant again. Blessing. I was at a low and it was what I needed. Once we found out, however, I was terrified it would happen again. At my first doctors appointment I asked if we could have an earlier ultrasound, and Dr. L agreed it would be a good idea. I had my ultrasound at 8 weeks and everything was perfectly healthy and normal! Baby Brooklyn was on her way!! During my pregnancy I was able to stay at home (finally) and we couldn't wait to welcome our sweet little girl into our family. She was born May 31st and has been such an added joy to our family. My little girl.

In December I started feeling abnormally tired and sick almost everyday. Since I am still nursing Brooklyn I hadn't had a cycle since she was born. One day the thought came to me, "What if I'm pregnant?" I had a test at home and decided to take it that afternoon when the kids went down for their nap. There it was, staring me right in the face. Pregnant. Definitely pregnant. This time it took me a little bit to truly get excited. I mean, I was in love from the instant I found out, but I also had a very sick/needy 6 month old baby and I was a little overwhelmed with the idea of having another one. I spend most of my time alone with the kids because Jason works full-time at a very demanding job and then goes to school at night. Most nights he stays at the library until after I'm asleep and he leaves before I get up in the morning. I didn't tell Jason right away that we were expecting again. I waited until we could go out to dinner and I told him then. He was thrilled! A little in shock, but super excited. I was a little surprised at his reaction and I was able to vent about all of my fears and concerns to him. He understood and was so supportive of me. After that, we started getting excited and planning for the arrival of another baby!

Since there wasn't really a way for us to tell how far along I was, Dr. L scheduled an ultrasound for 6 weeks from the time I found out I was pregnant. I went in for my appointment in the middle of January. The kids were napping so Jason came home to watch them while I went. I went into the ultrasound and the technician asked me how many pregnancies I had had. There it was again, that loss. "3 pregnancies, 2 live births." She began the ultrasound and I instantly knew something was wrong. I could see the baby and it seemed to be pretty far along. However, the technician didn't say much and spent a lot of time around the baby taking more pictures than I remember. She never turned on the sound for me to hear the heartbeat. Then she said the words I was dreading.... "Natalie, I need to show you something." She started to explain that the baby was a little girl, but that it looked as if  I had lost her just a few days before. There was no heartbeat and their was a lot of bleeding around the baby. She left the room for me to get dressed and I lost it. I sat there and cried. Another little girl? Why did I lose her? I've already done this once. I've already learned this lesson. Why again?

I was escorted to a room where Dr. L came in and talked to me. The second he came in he gave me a hug and just let me cry. Then he sat there and held my hand and explained what he thinks happened from the ultrasound. From the looks of it, the baby had Turner Syndrome. I could have lost her at any point in my pregnancy, or she could have lived and had some struggles. He answered all of my questions and was extremely understanding and kind. We scheduled a D&C for the next evening.

Having a D&C was better in some ways and worse in some ways. I didn't have to go through the cramping and contractions and actually pass the baby like the last time. However, I went into surgery with a baby and came out without a baby. I felt empty. A little like there was no closure. The instant I opened my eyes I started crying. She was gone. My baby was gone. In my post-op the nurse told me that I now needed to declare "4 pregnancies, 2 live births." When I heard that I became angry. Extremely angry. I'm not sure why that upsets me so bad, but it does. I thought about it a lot over the next few weeks and one night I finally realized I should be grateful that I have to say that. As weird as it may sound, at least I get to count them. At least the 2 babies that I lost are still remembered, even in that small way.

This has been another learning and growing experience for me. I was already feeling overwhelmed with Jason never being home due to school and work, and now I had to deal with grief on top of taking care of 2 little kids, who couldn't afford for me to truly deal with the emotions I was experiencing. I had reached a new low. I found myself getting angry for no reason and then numb the next minute. Sometimes it was hard to rock Brooklyn as she was falling asleep because I would think about the fact that I could have had another little girl. I was overwhelmed and a loss at what to do next. I felt like no one could possibly understand what I was going through, how I felt, and why I was feeling that way.  I felt completely alone. Thankfully, I know I'm not. I had prayed for peace and strength to help me get through this. I had prayed for understanding and I had prayed to not become bitter. Finally, one night, I turned it all over to my Savior. I told Him I couldn't handle this and needed His help. I can honestly say that He has taken away the overwhelming pain and loss. It is still there, but I feel like it comes in episodes and doses that I can handle. I am so grateful for Him and for the knowledge I have.

I wasn't going to share any of this, but I realized it is a part of our little family's history. Since this blog is for my children, maybe someday this will help my daughter or even my son. This whole experience has, once again, helped me realize what a blessing our children are. Not only are they a blessing, but they truly are a miracle. It has also made me more grateful to be a mother to my two sweet children and I know that I want plenty more. :)