Angels Among Us

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

-Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

I have heard people talk about angels and I have read the accounts in the scriptures of angels coming to people in mortality in times of need. I have always believed it and thought about how amazing that must be to see or hear an angel. It always seemed to be something that happened to other people, but I never really thought about it happening to me. 

Then again, there were lots of things that I never thought would happen to me.

This journey has been one of darkness and heartache. Moments of hope quickly shadowed by mountains of despair. I have had glimpses of eternal perspective - but they are normally followed by the weight of grief becoming all consuming and I'm left broken again. It is in those moments when the darkness seems to fill every space of light around me that I have often felt alone and abandoned, even by my Heavenly Father. In those moments, I allow my weaknesses to take hold and my fears to be present. I shut out everything around me. I allow the darkness to win. At least I think I do.

It was in one of those moments that I learned one of the most humbling lessons I have yet learned in this life. 

I had booked a vacation for Jason and I to get away together. I felt prompted to do it and I followed that prompting. Two days before we were supposed to leave, I had to make new arrangements. I couldn't cancel the flights or the cruise, so I took a friend instead. A trip that should have been fun was miserable. I felt stupid for booking it in the first place, but had honestly felt prompted to do so, and was now left wondering why I had done it. Looking back, I know now that it was necessary. There is something about being far from home with no reception that allows you to ponder and get answers, even to questions you never asked.

One night, Rebekah and I sat in our room. It had been a particularly hard day and I was emotionally exhausted. I was on the edge of feeling that hopelessness that would sometimes come and I was fighting back the tears. I missed my kids, I wanted to go home, and I wanted this nightmare to be over. Then I got an email that pushed me over the edge with both hands. I sat sobbing on the bed with my face in my hands and I remember thinking, 

"Where are you?!?! Why have you abandoned me in this?!? How could you possibly sit back and watch this all happen and not do anything to stop it?!?!"

For a moment I was ashamed for yelling at God in my head, but then I was angry. I hadn't done anything wrong. I wasn't perfect, but I tried my best to do what was right. I didn't deserve this. How could He claim to love me and let this happen. How could a God of miracles withhold a miracle from me when I needed it the most?

Rebekah sat quietly watching me breakdown and finally asked me what I was thinking. Without even looking at her I finally said the words out loud that I had been thinking for some time. "I feel alone and abandoned." I then proceeded to cry my angry, frustrated, and heartbroken tears.

It was only a few moments later that Rebekah quietly said, "Natalie, can you feel that?" I didn't respond but I did finally look at her. With tears in her eyes she said, "This room is full of people. You are not alone." Our room was empty, but I knew she wasn't talking about mortal people. She was talking about angels. In my moment of darkness I was surrounded by people from the other side of the veil, sent to give me comfort when no earthly person could. I knew it and she knew it.

In Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk, The Ministry of Angels, he says the following:

"From the beginning down through the dispensations, God has used angels as His emissaries in conveying love and concern for His children.... 

Usually such beings are not seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen they are always near. Sometimes their assignments are very grand and have significance for the whole world. Sometimes the messages are more private. Occasionally the angelic purpose is to warn. But most often it is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, guidance in difficult times."

Throughout the last few months I have come to realize that I have been surrounded by angels almost constantly. They have filled my home and have stood silently watching, waiting, and comforting. God has not once abandoned me, but has instead sent me loved ones, both here on Earth and from the other side of the veil, to aide me in this trial. I won't go into detail about the specific events, but I will say this - there have been multiple times when I have known exactly who is with me and who has stood watch in my home. In dark moments and in the middle of the night, I have felt the calming, steady, patient presence of someone who protected me in that very way while he was on this earth. The feelings of his presence have been familiar and welcome and I have felt his care and concern for me, just like I did while he was alive. 

Later, in priesthood blessings, I have been reassured multiple times that specific angels have never left my side. How grateful I am for righteous ancestors that are able to assist me in difficult moments and have assured me that things will be ok, that God is always near, and that I am not forgotten.

I have learned through this that angels are near more often than we will ever know. I have learned to recognize them more frequently and pray for their presence in moments I begin to feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, in those times, a knock will come to my door or my phone will ring, and I know that I am being sent an angel here on Earth. People have stopped by at exactly the right time or have said something that they couldn't have known that I needed to hear. Angels surround us indeed. Other times, I have felt the sweet peace that accompanies someone from the other side of the veil and I know that I am not alone and never will be. What a wonderful gift angels can be, if we can learn to recognize them.

My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[Nor] will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.” ¹³ On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal. " -Jeffrey R. Holland