My wedding picture still hangs on the wall in my room.
I woke up yesterday in a dark mood. I didn't sleep well, the kids were already up and it was only 6am, and I could just tell that I was going to be in a bad place that day. Some days are like that when I wake up. It was raining outside and the wind was blowing. It was cold. The weather seemed to fit my mood perfectly. I laid in bed and listened to the kids for a few minutes and stared at my wedding picture. I know I should probably take it down, and I've even done it a few times, but it always ends up back on the wall. I'm not ready to take it down yet. I know I should, but I can't. That picture represents more to me than just my marriage. Oh, it represents so much more.
I carried that can around with me for 9 years. It stayed in my hope chest during high school and eventually followed me to college. With it came all of those dreams from that twelve year old girl. I knew what I wanted and I couldn't wait for the day when that would come true. I wanted to get married in the temple to someone who loved me and have a family. I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom and I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to have kids, and lots of them!
When Jason and I were engaged I opened the time capsule I had carried around all those years. It was fun to look at the things that I had written down when I was twelve. My taste in dresses had changed and so had the colors and the flowers, but the majority of it was the same. I had finally made it. I wasn't perfect, by any means, but I had tried my hardest to do what was right so that I could be sealed in the temple and start a family with the man that I loved. It was finally happening. I let Jason read the letter I had written and we laughed at some of the things I had said, but I was happy. My dreams were coming true. We were married in the Bountiful Temple. I loved him. Oh, how I loved him.
I was still in bed thinking about everything going on while the sky lightened. I started a new job this week to help me pay the bills now that I am a single mom. The job is a blessing, and one that I know Heavenly Father put in my path since I didn't seek it out, but it means putting my kids back in daycare and working outside of my home. I knew that I needed to get up and get going or we would all be late. I got up and got the kids ready, lost in my own thoughts while the kids ate breakfast and played. I could feel the anger simmering under the surface, but I kept pushing it back down. We rushed around getting dressed and then I hurried the kids out the door and into the car. I was snapping at them and I was frustrated. We finally backed the van out of the garage and into the rain.
While we were driving to daycare, my emotions were a mess. I hated this. I hated every minute of it. I LOVED being at home with my kids. It meant the world to me. I had been a working mom once and I had counted down until I could be at home with my kids. I had finally reached that goal and now it was being taken away from me. Then, almost as if he could read my thoughts, Carson asked me from the backseat, "Mom, how come we can't just stay home with you like we used to? I liked it when we could all just stay home."
That did it for me. That anger that had been threatening to bubble over all morning attacked with full force. I was furious! I was angry! I could feel my hands start shaking on the steering wheel as I attempted to calmly answer Carson's question, but inside I was raging. I was angry for me, I was angry for my kids, and I was angry for that twelve year old girl who had her dreams ripped away through no fault of her own. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. The two things I had wanted most in life were taken from me. I was no longer a wife. I could no longer be at home with my kids. Gone. I didn't have a choice in the matter, I didn't have a say. Those two dreams were ripped away because of someone else's selfishness and I was furious. The rain outside matched how I felt inside.
How could the person I loved more than anyone else, the one person that was supposed to protect me and love me and cherish me - how could he hurt me this way? How could he shatter those dreams that he knew were so precious to me? How could you do something so devastating to someone who loved you so much?
In that moment I felt like the hurt and the grief were too much to handle. I felt like I didn't have any hope left. This trial was going to follow me for the rest of my mortal life. I will always have to share my kids. Family traditions, holidays, birthdays, vacations - all of it would be changed forever. I will always have to see him and know that he doesn't love me anymore. It is a constant reminder that I wasn't enough for him, that he didn't want me, that my family is broken. This was never part of the dream. The thoughts overwhelmed me. This life is really long and it's not going away.
That's when I saw it. Through the rain, up ahead, the clouds were breaking up and there was a beautiful full rainbow. It was the biggest, brightest, and most breath-taking rainbow I have ever seen. I pulled the car over and let Carson and Brooklyn roll down the window to look at it. It was gorgeous. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I got out and took a few pictures and as I was walking back to the car I had a thought come to me that I knew was the Spirit teaching me.
We can't have rainbows without the rain. Sometimes, in the middle of it all, we can't see anything but the downpour. I know it's overwhelming, and you are right, it won't ever be the same, but it can still turn into something beautiful with His help. You aren't alone in this. He knows how broken your heart is. He understands.I got back into my car and felt peace for the first time all day. I was still hurting inside, and I was still angry, but I had hope. Hope that at some point down the road my life will have it's rainbow. I've just got to make it through this downpour.
For now, my wedding picture will stay on the wall in my bedroom. I'm not ready to fully embrace the loss of my marriage and the twelve year old girl inside of me isn't ready to let go of those dreams. Let's be honest - she never should have had to.
