3 months ago my world came crumbling down around me so fast that I didn't even have a chance to see it whole one last time. I tried to pick up the pieces as it fell, but the harder I tried, the faster it crumbled, and I was finally left with nothing but ruins to sit amongst. I felt broken. Shattered, really. I felt dead inside. There were days that, by the time I went to sleep, I couldn't tell you what I did that day. I've never known a place like that before. A place so empty and lonely.
After the initial devastation, there was nothing left to do but start cleaning up the mess. At first, lifting each piece was hard and overwhelming. Some days I might pick up one and put it in its place, other days I couldn't pick up any. Then there were the days when I would go take some of the pieces I had already cleaned up and throw them back in the pile. It's been hard. One step forward, two steps back. Three steps forward, one step back. Each week, each day, each hour - all of them are different.
The more the dust settled, the more I could see that tender mercies had been all around me. Getting packages in the mail on really hard days, text messages right when my thoughts where starting to get overwhelming, knocks at my door when I needed a hug, phone calls, letters, friends...... They started to pour in. They always came at the moment that I needed them. I knew they were answers to prayers, some prayers that weren't even mine because - let's be honest - some days I was too angry to pray. I began to realize that even though Heavenly Father didn't stop this from happening like I begged Him to, He wasn't going to leave me alone in it. The more I recognized it, the lighter the load felt. I know that there have been times when I have been carried by the prayers of those around me. Entire days when I was able to do things that I wouldn't have been able to do without heaven's help. Tender mercies have been everywhere.
The closer I became to my Savior and the more I began to trust Him completely - in a way I have never trusted before - the harder Satan tried to bring me down. I would have amazing spiritual experiences where I felt uplifted and hopeful, and I could always guarantee that the next day would test me. Test me they did. I wish I could say that I always won, but some days I didn't. After a few weeks of those really hard days, I was at a new low again. This time, it was bad. I couldn't turn my mind off. The thoughts kept racing over and over and over again. All it was doing was tearing me down, but I couldn't stop them.
How could this happen to me? to us?
What is so wrong with me?
Why did he fall out of love with me?
Weren't we happy? I thought we were happy.
How could I have been so blind?
I never saw it coming. How did he hide it so well?
Why am I not good enough for him anymore?
What does she have that I don't?
How am I supposed to raise these kids in a broken family?
Why do I have to go through this pregnancy knowing he doesn't even want me.
I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.
It was during this really low point that I found out Elder Holland was coming to BYU-Idaho for devotional. Elder Holland is my favorite (don't tell the others). I knew right away that I needed to go. I had jokingly said multiple times through the last few months that I just needed to bump into Elder Holland and have him tell me that I was going to be ok and then I would actually believe it. Since I teach for BYU-Idaho online I thought I might be able to attend. I emailed my boss to see if I could go and if I needed tickets. He wasn't sure and told me he would get back to me.
A few days later I got an email reply from President Clark. It was on a particularly hard Sunday when the topics at church had made my heart hurt more than normal. His email said some things that were answers to my silent prayers and I was reminded that Heavenly Father knew how hard this was and what I was feeling inside, even if I hadn't said it out loud. One part of his message to me really touched me in particular and I read it over and over and over again.
"...I have a first hand, eye witness, testimony that the Lord has already prepared for you many tender mercies that He will shower down upon you in this time of trouble, and far beyond. I know He has a special place in His heart for His righteous daughters who must bear up the burden of a divorce and caring for children by themselves. I know you will be magnified in your own capacity, and angels will surround you. Please take this message today from one who knows that your Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son know you and love you and will be ever present in your life. Their love never fails...."
That was what I needed to hear. I had began to doubt my abilities as a mom and I knew I wasn't the type of mom my children needed. I was overwhelmed with my own grief and I couldn't snap out of it to be the mom I wanted to be for them.
The morning of devotional came and I was getting ready for the day when my phone rang. It was BYU-Idaho. I had been invited to sit on stage during devotional if I would like. I was in shock. I was told that Elder Holland had to leave immediately after devotional was over and that President Clark thought that sitting on stage would be my best chance to get to shake his hand. I was so touched and thankful for President Clark. I received the instruction on how to get through security and the time I needed to arrive. I was so excited.
As soon as I hung up the phone, it was like I was hit from every side. My kids wouldn't mind, were fighting, and getting them ready and out the door was painful. I picked Carson up from preschool and got back in the van to head to Rexburg and my phone was going crazy. I had several missed calls and texts, none of which were very nice. I returned the calls I missed and the conversation left me heartbroken and sobbing as we drove to Rexburg. Then the thoughts hit me full-force again....
What did I do to deserve this?
What is it about me that isn't enough anymore?
What is wrong with me?
My poor kids in the back fell asleep and I debated turning around. I could just listen to devotional on the radio. I'm a mess now and I don't want to sit on stage in front of everyone looking like this. Thankfully, I decided to go.
Devotional was amazing. I sat close enough to Elder Holland that I could have touched him (don't worry, I didn't). Elder Holland's address on happiness was exactly what I needed to hear and it lifted my spirits. I scribbled down notes as fast as I could and I felt like some of the words were exactly what I needed to hear. After devotional was over, Elder Holland and the Clarks left the stage and didn't shake anyone's hands. I was a little disappointed, but I felt so blessed to sit so close to him that it quickly went away. I went to the security rack and got my purse and was getting ready to leave. I said a quick goodbye to one of the ladies I had sat next to when I was approached by two people and asked if I was Natalie. I was a little taken back, but responded that I was. They asked me to follow them down a hallway and then directed me into a room. I walked in as they shut the door behind me. That's when I saw Elder Holland, President Clark, and Sister Clark all waiting for me. It was just the four of us in the room. When I realized that I was going to have my own private meeting with them, I started crying. Elder Holland walked towards me, wrapped me in a huge hug, and said, "Well, you don't have to cry about it!"
The next 15 minutes or so were amazing. I don't even have words to describe them. Elder Holland was able to calm all of my fears and made me promises about things that had been worrying me. I felt like I was talking to my grandpa. I felt loved by him and he gave me counsel and advice that I needed. He hugged me several times and even wiped away my tears at one point. He asked me if I would promise him something - he asked me to keep in touch with him. I don't think I'll have a problem with that! I was able to take a picture with him and the Clarks before I left, and he asked me again to keep in touch. I left feeling like the burden I had been carrying around for months was lifted. I had new faith and hope. I knew I was going to be okay because that was the exact phrase he said to me. "You are going to be okay."
After I left and ever since, I have been filled with gratitude to my Heavenly Father for that amazing experience. I know that it was His way of showing me that I wasn't forgotten and that He knew the thoughts of my heart. How could I ever possibly doubt that again?? I had joked several times that I just needed to run into Elder Holland and have him tell me I was going to be okay, and that is EXACTLY the phrase he used. I remember even thinking in my head that it sounded funny to hear him say it like that because he is so eloquent in his speech. It was, however, a direct testimony builder for me that I got the exact thing I said I needed. Heavenly Father loved me. I was not forgotten. He was going to be with me every step of the way. He was going to take the ruins of my life and build them into the life He needed for me to have - I just need to trust Him with the pieces.
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