Wise Beyond Your Years

I still remember the feeling of my knees hitting the concrete floor of the garage as I watched him back out and drive away. I had followed him out to the car begging him not to leave, but it didn't matter. I watched as he threw the dress shirts I had ironed for him just a few days earlier into the back seat of the car and slammed the door. He pulled out of the driveway amidst my pleading and sobbing, and didn't even look back. He had made his decision after a month of going back and forth, and he was gone. I couldn't bring myself to get up off of the floor, so I didn't. I buried my face in my hands and cried. In that moment, I felt like I would never be whole again. I was still in shock that this was happening and I almost remember thinking that I was going to wake up at any minute and my life would be normal again. I didn't wake up. Instead, I heard a small little voice say, "Mom? Mommy?" and I looked into the bright blue eyes of my barely 4 year old. He wrapped his arms around my neck and sat in my lap as we both cried. He kept asking me over and over again to stop crying and to not be sad, but I just couldn't do it. I needed to cry. So, we cried together.

My sweet little boy had seen a lot those few weeks leading up to his daddy moving out, and I wished so desperately that I could have shielded him from it. He heard us arguing, watched his daddy yell at me, watched me cry almost constant tears, and got scared when his daddy slammed his fists onto the hood of the car as I begged him not to go. I can't imagine what was going on inside that little head of his as he watched everything unfold. He must have been so confused and terrified.

His daddy stopped coming home and stopped spending time with him. I remember at one point adding up the days and it had been 22 days since Jason had seen the kids. We weren't what he wanted anymore. It was so heartbreaking to watch as the kids stopped asking when he would be home. I think inside they knew a lot more than they could actually understand. 

I tried my hardest to hold myself together for my kids and I would try anything and everything to not cry in front of them if I could help it. I would wait until they were all asleep and then I would go into my closet, shut the door, and cry. Carson always knew. I don't know how, but he did. He would crawl out of bed and come find me, begging me to stop crying. It broke my heart. He would look at me with those terrified and desperate eyes and beg me. So, most of the time, I would. He would crawl into my bed with me and hang onto me as if he thought I was leaving him forever. He was probably scared I would.

I started crying in the shower after a while, thinking the sound of the water would cover up my tears. It didn't work. Carson always knew. Even when my tears were silent tears that would hit me as I folded laundry or was looking for my shoes, Carson always knew. It was if he had a sixth sense of when I would cry. He wouldn't leave my side until he was sure I was done crying and was "better."

I had some pink chapstick that I used to put on at night before I went to bed. I remember one day I was crying in my bed and Carson came running into my room. He went into the bathroom, grabbed a Q-tip, and that chapstick, and scooped out a huge glob of it. He brought it to me and handed it to me. I was so confused at why he would do that. As he handed it to me, he asked me if it made me happy because he knew that I liked that "lip stuff." When I told him that it made me very happy, I could see the relief on his face. He just wanted me to be happy. He started bringing me Q-tips with chapstick on them when I would cry after that. My sweet little boy.

One day, I told Carson that his daddy was on his way to come get him to spend some time with him. Carson instantly started crying and telling me he didn't want him to come. I remember thinking, "Heavenly Father, how do I do this? I don't want him to come either, but I can't tell my child that. Please help me!" I knelt down next to him and asked Carson why he didn't want his daddy to come that day.  His answer was heartbreaking.

"Because everytime he comes, you cry. He always makes you cry."

I watched him closely after that. Sure enough, anytime Jason was around, Carson wouldn't leave my side. If I ever asked him to go play so that Jason and I could talk, he refused. He wouldn't leave me. He became my protector and his little hand in mind gave me strength to face another day. We became a team, this wise little 4 year old and I. I felt like he was carrying around this burden that was much too heavy for him, and it worried me.

I took him to counseling. I explained everything to the counselor and she sat silently watching Carson play. She asked me how much he saw. I explained that until Jason told me about the affair, life had been normal. As soon as Jason told me, he became a completely different person. He would scream at me in front of the kids, make me cry, hit the wall, door, car - you name it. He would kick things, throw things, and get so angry that he would clinch his hands into fists and scream. He had never done any of that before, so it was scary for all of us. I explained how Carson wouldn't leave my side, how he always knew when I was crying, how he wouldn't be alone in a room anymore without becoming scared, and how he watched his daddy turn into a person who didn't even want to be with the kids. What she said surprised me. She told me that it was better that he saw some of that then nothing. I'm sure she saw the confusion on my face, so she continued. She said if Jason had just left and moved out without Carson seeing some of the things he did, it would actually be more traumatizing and harder for him to understand. The fact that he saw some of the things he did made it easier for him when Jason left. It was a relief to him too.

One night, a few months later, as Carson and I were laying in bed about to go to sleep, I asked him if he would say our prayer. In the middle of his prayer, Carson said thanks for letting Jesus come visit on Tuesday. After the prayer, I asked him what he was talking about. His sweet little answer brought me more comfort than I had felt in a long time. "Jesus comes and visits me on Tuesdays. He sends angels on the other days, but on Tuesdays He comes." We weren't alone. We had angels watching over us and protecting us through this horrible time in our lives, and I knew in that moment that my kids were going to be ok. We had angels and the Lord on our side. The faith of my children always strengthened my own when I needed a little extra. Carson is a child of pure faith. It is one of his gifts.

My sweet little boy turns 5 today. Five. He has had to go through more than any 5 year old should, and yet he has handled it all like a champ. He is the man of our house and my right-hand little helper. He has had to grow up so much in the last year and some days I worry that he is losing his innocence too fast. He is such a tenderhearted little boy and is constantly telling me how much he loves me and always wants a hug and a kiss. I wish I could keep him this age forever and savor every moment. Oh, how I love him.

Happy Birthday, dearest Carson. You are an incredible little boy and one of the most amazing spirits I know. You are destined for great things and I am so blessed to be able to be your mommy. Thank you for being my best friend and for always being there when I needed someone. You are forever my hero. I love you to the moon and back, to Pluto, the milkyway, and to the faraway mountains. Here is to making 5 the best year ever.

Bentley and Beckham

  Because the twins were so high risk, we were hoping to make it to 32 weeks. That was our goal. At 31.5 weeks, I went into labor. Jason had the kids for the weekend, so after a day of really strong contractions and feeling pretty yucky, I finally went into the hospital. Sure enough, I was in labor and already dilated to a 4. Dr. L. put me on a medication to stop my labor and warned me that it would make me feel awful. Boy did it ever!! After 3 days in the hospital, I they had my labor controlled enough that I could go home on bedrest. The next few weeks were miserable! I was huge and uncomfortable and continued to have contractions every day.

During the weeks while we waited for the baby boys to make their arrival, I struggled to decide what to do for the birth of the boys. Every time I tried to think about who I wanted there, my mind would draw a blank. Nothing really felt right. Finally, I decided that I would just do it alone. I had carried the boys through the hardest pregnancy alone and I thought that I would just bring them into this world alone as well. It was sad to me. It was another reminder to me that I wasn’t married anymore. I didn’t have a husband to be by my side for the birth of our miracle twins. I spent many nights in tears as I laid awake, struggling with the fact that I was divorced and that the father of these babies didn’t want me anymore. I reflected on the birth of my 3 other children and how special each of those days were because they were experiences that I shared with him. This time, he didn’t love me. He wasn’t going to be there to hold my hand and he wasn’t going to be there as we brought these special spirits into this world. It was devastating to me.

What had I done to deserve this? Why did I have to suffer through this by myself?

One day, I was talking to my counselor, and we were discussing the upcoming birth of the twins. She asked me who was going to be there with me. I told her that I was going to do it alone. She didn’t say much, but asked me if I had thought about asking their dad to be present. At first I was a little stunned.

Really??! The man that had put me through all of this heartache? The person that had left me to deal with all of this alone? The one that had abandoned me at the time I needed him most? Him?! Why should he get to be there to experience this when he didn’t deserve it?

The problem was, right when she said it, I knew she was right. I felt very strongly that it was what Heavenly Father wanted. To be honest, I wasn’t very happy about it. That night, after I got the kids to bed and I had a few quiet moments to myself to think, I knelt and prayed. I told Heavenly Father about all of my frustrations with Him wanting Jason there. 

How was this fair? He got to walk away, leaving me broken hearted and shattered, and he still gets to experience this sacred moment? He hasn’t been there for me or for them this entire time….you remember that, right? You have watched me cry myself to sleep countless nights, go through morning sickness with 3 little kids, trying to work and keep my kids’ lives afloat while dealing with this extremely hard pregnancy – all of it alone. He caused so much emotional damage and despair. He has caused pain so intense that I can’t find words to describe it accurately. Now, you want me to allow him to be there for one of the most personal, sacred, and intimate experiences in this life? I’m still in love with him, and you know how hard it is to be around him…. Now you want me to let him be there during this vulnerable time? Do you understand how hard that will be for me? Sharing this with him while knowing he doesn’t love me and hasn’t been there for me this whole time?

I let it all out that night. I cried. I cried hard. I cried for a long time. Finally, when there weren’t any tears left and I was still lying on the floor, I got the answer to the questions I had been asking.

“This isn’t about him and it’s not about you. This is about these precious little boys. They deserve to have both of their parents present when they enter this life. I understand how hard this will be for you, but please trust me. This is about them. Although you don’t understand all of this, there is a plan. Trust me.”

It was for the kids. For the first time since I had known that he needed to be there, I felt peace. It was for my kids.

Being divorced is hard. I never wanted it. I still can’t believe it happened. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. For me, my love for my husband didn’t go away. When I got married, I promised forever. I don’t know how to tell my heart to stop loving him. It wasn’t ever supposed to. Needless to say, being around him is very hard for me. It stings. It’s torture. It’s a reminder of a life that I loved that is now lost. I’ve had to learn how to put that aside for my children. I knew that I didn’t want them to feel like they had to pick which parent they wanted at certain events. We needed to figure out a way to both be present and have good feelings. I have spent countless hours pleading for the strength to be able to do that. Christmas, birthdays, holidays…. We have made it work. We have been able to be there, be kind, be loving, and be supportive – as parents. My kids have been able to have both parents there for them, which they need so desperately. It is extremely hard to do. Most times, after the day is over, I climb into bed and sob. I never wanted to be divorced. I never wanted this life, but I will do anything for my kids, even if that means putting myself through painful days so that my kids can have both parents around. This was going to be another one of those experiences.

The day finally arrived.

The twins were born by C-Section on February 27, 2015. Bentley Clark Messano (6lbs 12oz) was born at 7:27am. Beckham Jeffrey Messano (5lbs 6oz) joined us a minute later.  The entire experience was full of emotion for me. I tried to put on a brave face, but inside I was hurting. I was scared about having a C-Section, I was worried about the twins, and I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to keep my composure in front of everyone. After I was prepped and ready, they brought Jason in. He was able to watch as his baby boys were born and I knew how special that moment was for both of us. Once they were here, Jason went with the boys into the NICU. I was alone as they finished everything and sent me to the recovery room. I didn’t have anyone there holding my hand the whole time. I didn’t have someone there to make sure I was ok. I didn’t have a husband there for me, worried about me. I was alone - and I felt it. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. The birth of a child should be a bonding experience full of love. I was alone. That fact was very evident in the operating room that morning. After he left and followed the boys, I felt the tears building. As they silently started to fall, I felt a warmth consume my entire body. Heavenly Father stepped in at that moment to fill in the gaps.

The entire experience has strengthened my testimony in Heavenly Father's plan and in the importance of families. The Family Proclamation states, "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." Now, more than ever, I have a testimony that this is true! It was very hard on me to not have my husband by my side through this, especially as it brought up memories of the times we shared when our 3 other sweet children were brought into this world. There are days when the unfairness of it all seeks to drag me down. Through it all, I am grateful for the Atonement. Christ is able to step in during times when life is hard and unfair and heal parts of your heart that you couldn’t imagine ever healing. He stepped in that day for me.

I am so glad that their dad was able to be there that day. Although it was extremely difficult for me, the boys needed us both there. Those moments when a baby is new are precious, tender moments. I know they could feel us both there and I know that they felt loved.

 Bentley and Beckham are my little miracle babies. They are special spirits and I know there are great things in store for them. I am so honored to be their mother.

I needed a getaway

I needed to get away. That was all I knew.

As our divorce paperwork was finally wrapping up and the chances that I had to save my marriage were coming to an end, I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I was on auto-pilot. I functioned, but barely. I felt like my entire life was slipping through my fingers and the harder I tried to tighten my grip, the more it escaped my grasp. I found myself getting angry and experiencing emotions that I didn't know how to handle. I was desperate. I begged him to change his mind. I tried anything and everything. None of it worked. He was done. He was done with me.

I needed to get away. That was all I knew.

I packed my bags and headed to Utah to stay with a friend. She had been there through it all with me and I needed her that day. She was the first person that told me that I needed to be prepared for divorce. When she said it I remember thinking that it wasn't going to get that far. Surely he would see that he really did want our marriage and our family and he would stay. He didn't stay.

It was on that drive to Utah that he signed the divorce papers.

I needed to get away.

While I was in Utah, I was able to go to a conference called, The Togetherness Project. It was a conference for women who have been through heartbreak and betrayal. My friend, Ashlee Birk (The Moments We Stand) was going to be the keynote speaker and had given me a ticket to attend. I thought it would be a small conference with a couple dozen women. I was wrong. There were hundreds.

Ashlee and I

I walked into the ballroom of the hotel and I saw a sea of faces, I was shocked. How could there possibly be this many women at this conference?! It devastated me. How many women have suffered through what I was suffering through?

I knew no one. I was intimidated. I thought about turning around and walking out the door and going home. Honestly, I didn't know if I was ready to face the reality of the road I was about to walk down. I didn't want to be divorced! I didn't want this to be my life and my story! The problem was, I didn't have a choice. He had made that choice for me. Now, I had to decide how to handle it all. I stayed.

As I walked through the tables full of women, I silently said a prayer. I asked Heavenly Father to know where to sit. I didn't know any of these women or their stories, but I needed someone by my side that day. As I was passing a table with a few women, I felt like that was where I needed to sit, so I sat. I am so grateful that I did. I met two of the most amazing women that day. They were friends who had come to the conference together, both having been through the pain of betrayal and affairs. Both knew what it was like to have your heart ripped out. Both knew the shock of finding out that your husband hadn't been faithful. Both knew the trauma that it does to your body and all of the emotions that you have to deal with. Both knew what it was like to look in the mirror and wonder why you weren't enough. I needed them.

I learned a lot at that conference. I learned about Betrayal Trauma and what it does to you emotionally, physically, and mentally. I learned about addictions and how to know if someone has really changed. I learned about grief and all of it's many forms. I learned about the long road of recovery that I had ahead of me. But most importantly, I learned that I wasn't alone. I was surrounded by amazing, beautiful, and talented women who had all been through some sort of betrayal. They were surviving, and so would I.

I left that conference inspired, educated, and with new friends to help me through this trial. I have leaned on them often. I know I can text them when I have a breakdown or I feel alone or I need someone who really gets it. I also left with the name of a counselor in my area who specialized in Betrayal Trauma. She has been able to help me understand why I react to different situations the way I do and how to work through some of the stages of grief. It's amazing how Heavenly Father knows what we need and is willing to help us in any way He can. Often, He helps us through other people. I have been amazed at how much love and support I have received through this experience. It's because of all of the love and support that I received that I want to be able to help someone else who may be in a similar situation.

On May 9th, Ashlee is going to be holding a Conference in Boise, Idaho and she has graciously given me a ticket to give to someone who could benefit from attending. The name of the conference is A Reason To Stand and it will be an uplifting day filled with speakers, therapists, and counselors. It is a conference for all who have ever felt broken.

If you would like to be considered for a ticket to attend, please email me your story at natalie.messano@gmail.com. I will pick someone on April 22nd, so please share this with anyone you feel would benefit from going to this amazing conference.

We all deserve to know that we ARE enough. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of that and find A Reason to Stand.

Empty Spaces

Every fall we had a family tradition of taking family pictures. Some people think that is crazy to take one every year, but I am a picture person. I love to capture memories and look back at things we have done and how our family has changed and grown. I made sure we did it every year. This year - I didn't want to do it.

Several people had mentioned that taking family pictures might be a good idea so that the kids could see that we were still a family. I wasn't ready for that yet. It was too soon for me. I didn't want to accept the fact that our family wasn't the same anymore. We were missing someone. I was missing someone. The kids were missing someone. I didn't want there to be an empty space next to me. I certainly didn't want to see that empty space that I already felt every. single. day. magnified in a picture.

It just so happened that my brother and his wife were coming to visit, and it was the first time that we were all going to be together since Brooklyn was a newborn and we took family pictures the weekend of her blessing. Everyone in my family wanted family pictures, and, I'll admit -  it was hard to see the big family picture in my parent's living room every time I was there - but the thought of pictures made me anxious. We contacted the photographer and set the date and time. I never really said much to my family about the pictures, but inside I was dreading them.

I had been doing really well the week leading up to the pictures. I was busy and finally getting into some sort of routine, but the closer the pictures got, the further back I went. I was anxious and had a constant pit in my stomach. I felt like I was reliving that month when I found out everything all over again. I was miserable. I was a mess. I was embarrassed and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I felt like my emotions were crazy. I just don't want to see the empty space in the picture..... It's like it would make all of this real.....Our family is missing someone right now.....I don't need a picture to remind me of that....but I don't want to see pictures of my "old" family either.....I guess I just don't want to see pictures.

That was the thing - all those millions of pictures I had taken over the last 7 years were painful to look at now.  I couldn't do it. I took the picture screen saver off of our Apple TV because I didn't want to be reminded of my life before I found out about all the secrets. I put the stacks of pictures I had printed for baby books in a box downstairs. Every picture was a memory and the memories were too hard to think about. In those pictures, I was happy. We were happy. We were a family. We loved each other. At least in those moments I believed those things. Now I wasn't sure how many of them were real. All of those happy moments were tainted to me now. They hurt in ways that are hard to describe. They all represented a life that I loved that wasn't going to come back. Pictures that had been a source of happiness at one time were now a source of bitterness. They were a constant reminder of a life lost and a family broken. They made me angry.

As I watched my siblings start taking pictures with their families that day, a part of me ached inside. I wanted to be normal again. I wanted to fit in again. I wanted to be married and happy and in love again. Instead, I felt like the outsider. I was the single one. I was the divorced one. I was the miserable one who was dying inside. I did not want or need a reminder that I was not loved by the one person who should have been standing next to me.

Then it was our turn.

The prayers I had been saying all day to not break down were silently uttered again as I grabbed my kids and sat down for our pictures. All we had to do was smile. I could do that much. I could do it for my kids to show them that we were strong. We were still a family. Just smile at the camera and think about the kids.

In that moment, when all I was trying to do was put a fake smile on my face and pretend to be happy, I felt a warmth and a love that I can't describe surround me. In that moment, all of those empty spaces I had dreaded seeing in a picture were filled. In that moment, Heavenly Father knew that one of His daughters was hurting and needed to be reminded that she WAS loved. That's exactly what He did. He filled in all of the empty spaces and reminded me that I was loved. I was loved by Him, and I was going to be okay because of that. I was going to be okay. I was going to make it. I WAS loved. Then - I smiled. I smiled and I didn't have to fake it in that moment. I'm pretty positive that my kids felt it too. You can see it in the picture. In that moment we all felt loved, we felt normal, and we felt whole again. Even if it was just for that moment, that moment was enough to get us through those pictures, and those pictures are enough to get us through those moments that we forget.

It's easy to forget sometimes that there is a plan, especially in those moments when the pain is real and the memories of happier times are overwhelming. It's easy to forget that, although I might not be loved by my husband, I am loved by my Heavenly Father. It's easy to forget when I feel lonely or wish there was someone to talk to at the end of the day, that He has never left my side. It's easy to forget. That's how Satan works on me. He wants to overwhelm me and make me feel alone. He wants me to be angry and frustrated with the way my life has turned out. He wants me to forget.

I am working on remembering. 

There is a plan. I am loved. I am not alone. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love Him. He is there to fill in all the empty spaces - every single one.