Several people had mentioned that taking family pictures might be a good idea so that the kids could see that we were still a family. I wasn't ready for that yet. It was too soon for me. I didn't want to accept the fact that our family wasn't the same anymore. We were missing someone. I was missing someone. The kids were missing someone. I didn't want there to be an empty space next to me. I certainly didn't want to see that empty space that I already felt every. single. day. magnified in a picture.
It just so happened that my brother and his wife were coming to visit, and it was the first time that we were all going to be together since Brooklyn was a newborn and we took family pictures the weekend of her blessing. Everyone in my family wanted family pictures, and, I'll admit - it was hard to see the big family picture in my parent's living room every time I was there - but the thought of pictures made me anxious. We contacted the photographer and set the date and time. I never really said much to my family about the pictures, but inside I was dreading them.
I had been doing really well the week leading up to the pictures. I was busy and finally getting into some sort of routine, but the closer the pictures got, the further back I went. I was anxious and had a constant pit in my stomach. I felt like I was reliving that month when I found out everything all over again. I was miserable. I was a mess. I was embarrassed and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I felt like my emotions were crazy. I just don't want to see the empty space in the picture..... It's like it would make all of this real.....Our family is missing someone right now.....I don't need a picture to remind me of that....but I don't want to see pictures of my "old" family either.....I guess I just don't want to see pictures.
That was the thing - all those millions of pictures I had taken over the last 7 years were painful to look at now. I couldn't do it. I took the picture screen saver off of our Apple TV because I didn't want to be reminded of my life before I found out about all the secrets. I put the stacks of pictures I had printed for baby books in a box downstairs. Every picture was a memory and the memories were too hard to think about. In those pictures, I was happy. We were happy. We were a family. We loved each other. At least in those moments I believed those things. Now I wasn't sure how many of them were real. All of those happy moments were tainted to me now. They hurt in ways that are hard to describe. They all represented a life that I loved that wasn't going to come back. Pictures that had been a source of happiness at one time were now a source of bitterness. They were a constant reminder of a life lost and a family broken. They made me angry.
As I watched my siblings start taking pictures with their families that day, a part of me ached inside. I wanted to be normal again. I wanted to fit in again. I wanted to be married and happy and in love again. Instead, I felt like the outsider. I was the single one. I was the divorced one. I was the miserable one who was dying inside. I did not want or need a reminder that I was not loved by the one person who should have been standing next to me.
Then it was our turn.
The prayers I had been saying all day to not break down were silently uttered again as I grabbed my kids and sat down for our pictures. All we had to do was smile. I could do that much. I could do it for my kids to show them that we were strong. We were still a family. Just smile at the camera and think about the kids.
In that moment, when all I was trying to do was put a fake smile on my face and pretend to be happy, I felt a warmth and a love that I can't describe surround me. In that moment, all of those empty spaces I had dreaded seeing in a picture were filled. In that moment, Heavenly Father knew that one of His daughters was hurting and needed to be reminded that she WAS loved. That's exactly what He did. He filled in all of the empty spaces and reminded me that I was loved. I was loved by Him, and I was going to be okay because of that. I was going to be okay. I was going to make it. I WAS loved. Then - I smiled. I smiled and I didn't have to fake it in that moment. I'm pretty positive that my kids felt it too. You can see it in the picture. In that moment we all felt loved, we felt normal, and we felt whole again. Even if it was just for that moment, that moment was enough to get us through those pictures, and those pictures are enough to get us through those moments that we forget.
It's easy to forget sometimes that there is a plan, especially in those moments when the pain is real and the memories of happier times are overwhelming. It's easy to forget that, although I might not be loved by my husband, I am loved by my Heavenly Father. It's easy to forget when I feel lonely or wish there was someone to talk to at the end of the day, that He has never left my side. It's easy to forget. That's how Satan works on me. He wants to overwhelm me and make me feel alone. He wants me to be angry and frustrated with the way my life has turned out. He wants me to forget.
I am working on remembering.
There is a plan. I am loved. I am not alone. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love Him. He is there to fill in all the empty spaces - every single one.
