Bentley and Beckham

  Because the twins were so high risk, we were hoping to make it to 32 weeks. That was our goal. At 31.5 weeks, I went into labor. Jason had the kids for the weekend, so after a day of really strong contractions and feeling pretty yucky, I finally went into the hospital. Sure enough, I was in labor and already dilated to a 4. Dr. L. put me on a medication to stop my labor and warned me that it would make me feel awful. Boy did it ever!! After 3 days in the hospital, I they had my labor controlled enough that I could go home on bedrest. The next few weeks were miserable! I was huge and uncomfortable and continued to have contractions every day.

During the weeks while we waited for the baby boys to make their arrival, I struggled to decide what to do for the birth of the boys. Every time I tried to think about who I wanted there, my mind would draw a blank. Nothing really felt right. Finally, I decided that I would just do it alone. I had carried the boys through the hardest pregnancy alone and I thought that I would just bring them into this world alone as well. It was sad to me. It was another reminder to me that I wasn’t married anymore. I didn’t have a husband to be by my side for the birth of our miracle twins. I spent many nights in tears as I laid awake, struggling with the fact that I was divorced and that the father of these babies didn’t want me anymore. I reflected on the birth of my 3 other children and how special each of those days were because they were experiences that I shared with him. This time, he didn’t love me. He wasn’t going to be there to hold my hand and he wasn’t going to be there as we brought these special spirits into this world. It was devastating to me.

What had I done to deserve this? Why did I have to suffer through this by myself?

One day, I was talking to my counselor, and we were discussing the upcoming birth of the twins. She asked me who was going to be there with me. I told her that I was going to do it alone. She didn’t say much, but asked me if I had thought about asking their dad to be present. At first I was a little stunned.

Really??! The man that had put me through all of this heartache? The person that had left me to deal with all of this alone? The one that had abandoned me at the time I needed him most? Him?! Why should he get to be there to experience this when he didn’t deserve it?

The problem was, right when she said it, I knew she was right. I felt very strongly that it was what Heavenly Father wanted. To be honest, I wasn’t very happy about it. That night, after I got the kids to bed and I had a few quiet moments to myself to think, I knelt and prayed. I told Heavenly Father about all of my frustrations with Him wanting Jason there. 

How was this fair? He got to walk away, leaving me broken hearted and shattered, and he still gets to experience this sacred moment? He hasn’t been there for me or for them this entire time….you remember that, right? You have watched me cry myself to sleep countless nights, go through morning sickness with 3 little kids, trying to work and keep my kids’ lives afloat while dealing with this extremely hard pregnancy – all of it alone. He caused so much emotional damage and despair. He has caused pain so intense that I can’t find words to describe it accurately. Now, you want me to allow him to be there for one of the most personal, sacred, and intimate experiences in this life? I’m still in love with him, and you know how hard it is to be around him…. Now you want me to let him be there during this vulnerable time? Do you understand how hard that will be for me? Sharing this with him while knowing he doesn’t love me and hasn’t been there for me this whole time?

I let it all out that night. I cried. I cried hard. I cried for a long time. Finally, when there weren’t any tears left and I was still lying on the floor, I got the answer to the questions I had been asking.

“This isn’t about him and it’s not about you. This is about these precious little boys. They deserve to have both of their parents present when they enter this life. I understand how hard this will be for you, but please trust me. This is about them. Although you don’t understand all of this, there is a plan. Trust me.”

It was for the kids. For the first time since I had known that he needed to be there, I felt peace. It was for my kids.

Being divorced is hard. I never wanted it. I still can’t believe it happened. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. For me, my love for my husband didn’t go away. When I got married, I promised forever. I don’t know how to tell my heart to stop loving him. It wasn’t ever supposed to. Needless to say, being around him is very hard for me. It stings. It’s torture. It’s a reminder of a life that I loved that is now lost. I’ve had to learn how to put that aside for my children. I knew that I didn’t want them to feel like they had to pick which parent they wanted at certain events. We needed to figure out a way to both be present and have good feelings. I have spent countless hours pleading for the strength to be able to do that. Christmas, birthdays, holidays…. We have made it work. We have been able to be there, be kind, be loving, and be supportive – as parents. My kids have been able to have both parents there for them, which they need so desperately. It is extremely hard to do. Most times, after the day is over, I climb into bed and sob. I never wanted to be divorced. I never wanted this life, but I will do anything for my kids, even if that means putting myself through painful days so that my kids can have both parents around. This was going to be another one of those experiences.

The day finally arrived.

The twins were born by C-Section on February 27, 2015. Bentley Clark Messano (6lbs 12oz) was born at 7:27am. Beckham Jeffrey Messano (5lbs 6oz) joined us a minute later.  The entire experience was full of emotion for me. I tried to put on a brave face, but inside I was hurting. I was scared about having a C-Section, I was worried about the twins, and I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to keep my composure in front of everyone. After I was prepped and ready, they brought Jason in. He was able to watch as his baby boys were born and I knew how special that moment was for both of us. Once they were here, Jason went with the boys into the NICU. I was alone as they finished everything and sent me to the recovery room. I didn’t have anyone there holding my hand the whole time. I didn’t have someone there to make sure I was ok. I didn’t have a husband there for me, worried about me. I was alone - and I felt it. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. The birth of a child should be a bonding experience full of love. I was alone. That fact was very evident in the operating room that morning. After he left and followed the boys, I felt the tears building. As they silently started to fall, I felt a warmth consume my entire body. Heavenly Father stepped in at that moment to fill in the gaps.

The entire experience has strengthened my testimony in Heavenly Father's plan and in the importance of families. The Family Proclamation states, "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." Now, more than ever, I have a testimony that this is true! It was very hard on me to not have my husband by my side through this, especially as it brought up memories of the times we shared when our 3 other sweet children were brought into this world. There are days when the unfairness of it all seeks to drag me down. Through it all, I am grateful for the Atonement. Christ is able to step in during times when life is hard and unfair and heal parts of your heart that you couldn’t imagine ever healing. He stepped in that day for me.

I am so glad that their dad was able to be there that day. Although it was extremely difficult for me, the boys needed us both there. Those moments when a baby is new are precious, tender moments. I know they could feel us both there and I know that they felt loved.

 Bentley and Beckham are my little miracle babies. They are special spirits and I know there are great things in store for them. I am so honored to be their mother.